It takes a real chartist to notice she didnt have nipples... ROFL
Why have nipples when you cant breast feed after a boob job? :D
Printable View
Each to there own,some guys go berkers over chicks wearing this gear.
THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions ofadequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus....144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."
24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Who cares?
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO Supermarket
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8... October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled'
PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
A lawyer and a Maori are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Maoris are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Maori would like to play a fun game.
The Maori is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the Maoris attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The Maori reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer without saying a word.
Now, it's the Maori's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Maori and hands him $500. The Maori pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the Maori and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Maori reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
I hope this doesn't infringe the thread title ...
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Pammy-versus-the-Possum
You just never know what might turn up on One Tree Hill
http://static.stuff.co.nz/1253404172/557/2883557.jpg
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/fa...sus-the-Possum
A BUSLOAD of naked police officers allegedly used an unmarked police van to drive across Brisbane to a boozy bucks party, horrifying motorists with an impromptu nude dash in suburban traffic.
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,27574,26106308-3102,00.html
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion, Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises
Hong Kong Economics
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
A man knocked the door of house. The lady opened the door.
The man said, "I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe."
The Lady said, "We don't have any leaky pipe here."
The plumber on run, says, "My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren't you Mrs. Mathur?"
The Lady says, "No, Mathurs moved away about a year back from this house. We are the Sharmas."
The plumber grimaces, "What kind of people are they, calls for an Emergency repair and then move away."
>> A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
>> He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him
>> occupied.
>>
>> Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
>> realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on
>> the back.
>>
>> The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cent coins, but keeps choking. Looking
>> at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>>
>> A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
>> business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
>> sipping a cup of coffee.
>>
>> At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
>
>> neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her
>> seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
>>
>> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
>> the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
>> and then ever so firmly.
>>
>> After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
>
>> of the 10 cent coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>
>> Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
>> and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>
>> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
>> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
>> never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
>
>> you a doctor? "
>>
>>
>> 'No,' the woman replied,
>> .
>>
>>
>> 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
I thought what you use is simplified Chinese, hoped that you can understand. Your father is the India lineage, but you, since calls self the Chinese people outward, hoped that you can the self-respect dead weight, three think of the cautious word, looks like such which the Twinkle elder sister couple of days ago said that do not give the Chinese people on the face to discredit. Gesticulates at the forum to other people are not equal to the communication exchange. This is the clear equality place of exchange, nobody uses to install causes a clamor. So as to avoid other people good, is disinclined principle it, bad, then snorts contemptuously. In addition: You everywhere paste the card which these many most people cannot understand, what many sends a posting, but multi-water-drop design time spirit guarantee fairly good quality?
EVERETT, Wash. - Five Washington state baristas charged customers to touch their breasts and buttocks at an espresso stand where servers wear bikinis to draw business, police said.
The five were charged Wednesday with prostitution. Charging money for that kind of touching falls under the city's definition of prostitution.
The Everett Herald reports the women were charging up to $80 to strip down while fixing lattes and mochas.
http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/art...ista24-ON.html
......................Knight fled the scene to a nearby construction site and attempted to hide in a portable toilet that was also on the site. The truck's owner and his friend soon caught up to Knight and tipped the portable toilet over, trapping Knight inside the toilet until police could arrive.
When officers arrived, they found Knight still inside the toilet, soaking wet in the toilet's contents...................
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GGAmzDRA_B...nzo_knight.jpg
http://www.theweeklyvice.com/2008_08_01_archive.html
Asia Lottery Email Award 2009
No.10/11B, Jln Tun Razak,
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 56000.
Sir/Madam
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THIS YEARS ASIA LOTTERY AWARD
We the board members of Asia Lottery Email Award wish to send our congratulatory message over the success of your Email Address emerging as a lucky winning Email from our computer balloting held on the 25th of September 2009. This is a Millennium Scientific Computer Game in which email addresses were used and it is also a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not require to purchase a lottery ticket to participate in this programme.
Your approved winning star price is to the tune of Us$643,815.00 (Six Hundred & Fourty Three Thousand,Eight Hundred & Fifteen United States Dollars Only). We have appointed an agent to process your claims with the paying finance institution and so you are highly required to immediately forward your details to them and we have as well stated the informations which you are expected to provide below:
: Full Legal Names
: Contact Address
: Contact Tel/Fax Numbers
: Country of Citizenship
: Alternate Email Address{If Any}
Below is your winning details:
Ref No: AS/09/13/57/009/KL
Batch No: SLTO/7916/KL/AS
Lucky No: 06-117-010782
Serial No: KLUOTI/754236
Mr.Astrid Pedersen
Maandoi Security Services (Malaysia)
A4 Jln Yam Tuan 70000 Seremban,
Seremban,Negeri Sembilan,70000,
Malaysia.
Email:infomaandoi@aim.com
The Validity period of your lottery winnings is for twenty(20) working days hence you are expected to make your claims immediately as any claim not made before this date will be tagged as unclaimed and will be used for our next Lottery programme.
Note: You are advised to keep your winning details very confidential until the lump sum prize is received in your account or through any convenient payment mode deemed fit for you. This precautionary measure is to avoid multiple applications on your winnings.
Yours sincerely
Noraliza Binti Ismail
{Program Cordinator}
Once more we congratulate you for being one of our lucky winners!!
A quote from the Caseys Report emailed to me this morning
".....This next entry is a beauty. It is purportedly the actual recorded answering message from a school in New Zealand. I can’t be sure that it’s authentic, but it’s very funny and an all-too-true assessment of the nature of parents these days. Watch/listen to it by clicking on the link just below. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU
Yes... the video was funny but ...Maroochydore High School Queensland????? is a part of New Zealand :eek:!!!! WOW..how about that.:D:cool:
.
Bernard Madoff got into a fight in the prison yard with another inmate over the stock market – and won, the New York Post reported, quoting eyewitnesses. The 71 year-old Ponzi schemer, who is serving 150 years at the Butner, NC federal prison, got into a heated argument about the state of the market with another inmate in his 60s, inmates told the New York Post.
More
http://www.cnbc.com/id/33290584/?site=14081545
well I ask you, would you listen to his views on the stockmarket?? :p
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll
put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!'
Online share traders with a tendency to get over-excited now have help at hand.
EmoBracelet helps out overzealous traders
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/n...ectid=10604121
Hello
I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously. I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through your profile that speaks good of you.
I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.
well, i am zhara kones 17years old girl and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you but do consider it as an emmergency. My (late) father Mr kipkalya kones was a very wealthy gold and cocoa merchant who based in Accra and Abidjan respectively.
But he was killed along side with my mother during last year's Rable attact and all his properties was totally destroyed. However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE (US$8m)million U.S Dollars deposited by my late father in the bank which i am the next of kin. Meanwhile,i am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foriegn personality to help me transfer the money over to his country and into his possession pending my arrival to meet with him.
Furthermore,you can contact the bank for confirmation and i will issue a letter of authorisation on your name,that will enable the bank to deal with you on my behalf. I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your child and manage the money.
I am inclined to offer you 20% of the total sum as a mode of compensation for your effort after the successful transfering of these fund to your nominated account overseas Conclusively,i wish you send me a reply immediately as soon as you recieve this proposal,please write me back with this email address (zharakipkalya017@yahoo.fr)
Until then, Sincerely
yours,
zhara kones
Darwin Road Sign
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...op_1/5a204.jpg
I don't think so:p:p
You might be OK if they are freshwater crocs...........as far as I know there is no record of an unprovoked attack on any person by a freshwater crocodile, although if provoked they may give you a nasty nip.
Spot the different (just in case :D)
Fresh
http://www.divethereef.com/Guides/gu...JBG_WCROL4.jpg
Saltwater
http://www.divethereef.com/Guides/gu...crocofront.jpg
UNBELIEVEABLE!!!
THEY WALK AMONG US
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
This one, selected as the top joke in England…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
..
When you want to have a grizzly about the 'trouble and strife'..........this is the place to go
http://www.mywifeissodumb.com/forum/
I tried this last night with a bra that Mrs arco was wearing, but she reckoned it could have been more effective if I had allowed her to remove the bra first :D
.........................The bra-mask could be used during such disasters as fires, terrorist attacks, dust storms or a swine flu outbreak, Bodnar said. Indeed, she first thought up the idea while treating victims of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear disaster as a medical university graduate in her native Ukraine.
Bodnar is now pursuing commercialization of her bra-mask. She hopes all women will eventually have one.
But what about the men?
http://www.chicagotribune.com/featur...,4631334.story
A jock strap?
http://dazeddigital.com/ArtsAndCultu...ated_Jockstrap
.
A husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
Disgruntled..........
http://i45.tinypic.com/210yu5i.gif
Oopsy daisy ... accidentally posted this to the FPA.NZX thread ...
here goes again ...
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission
Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard .
Dave is gay.
Dave goes to the doc to have tests done.
Doc comes back & says sorry, I cant beat around the bush, but you have aids.
Dave says **** doc what can I do ?
Doc says go home and eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 peeled carrots,10 jalapeno chillis, 40 walnuts, and half a box of bran, then top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
Dave gobsmacked says will that save me ?
Doc says no, but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!!!
Bloke goes to the doctor for check up. Half way through examination Doctor jumps suddenly to the other side of the room.
'Good heavens Mr Smith. You've got that new highly contagious disease called shag.'
'Shag?' says Smith.
'Yes - shag. It's a combination of syphilis, herpes and gonorrhea''
'What can you do for that Doc?' asks Smith.
'Well - first thing is we put you on a diet of pizza and flounder', says the Doctor.
'And will that cure me?' Smith asks.
'No' says the Doctor 'there's no cure, but there the only things we can slide under the door.
Subject: Ahmed the Arab.
Ahmed the Arab came to the U.K.from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick ..
I just stole this from another site. Couldn't stop laughing and just had to share the love. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did
__________________________________________________ ___________
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for ..the wife...or...a Smyth?
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . ... WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had messed my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
whats the difference between tiger woods and santa
santa stops at 3 ho's
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'
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Not sure if this is what they mean when they say 'he packed his trunk'
http://i45.tinypic.com/10gbosw.jpg
A lady was walking down highstreet with a walking stick in both hands, shaking quite badly with both legs and arms. She came to the Jewellers shop and muttered "no"!, staggered to the next shop, again muttered "no"! then on seeing the Maritial Aids Shop, staggers up to the counter and asks the saleman, " Do you sell the vibrators that take six D size super long lasting batteries?" "Yes," the salesman quickley replies. "Well, How Do You Turn It OFF?"
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! Are yez' stupid? Oi was told mi password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
The National Bank add at the top of Share Tader with the Aston Martin and the kid. Yup that surely belongs in this thread
There is a serious gap between rich countries and poor countries.....
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...ichcountry.jpg
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http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...untryJoke2.jpg
She obviously is yet to experience the joys of gravel rash.
An old chap was in Woolworths the other day pushing his shopping trolley
around when he collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
He said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?"
He said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that.
**The scent of freshness**...
A new Woolworths supermarket has just opened in Queensland ..
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the fresh milk stand, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.
In the alcohol department, the clean, crisp smell of hops of the freshly brewed bitter.
When you approach the egg section, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and biscuits.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Attachment 2502
Two Women Try To Smuggle A Dead Man Onto A Plane
Two women have been arrested at an airport in Liverpool for attempting to smuggle a 91-year-old dead man onto a plane. The female relatives of the deceased, aged 41 and 66, tried to get the corpse onto a flight bound for Germany, by dressing him in sunglasses and sending him through check-in on a wheelchair.
http://www.flixxy.com/sun-microsystems-heisenberg-compensator.htm
you know you want a Heisenberg Compensator
or if that's not your bag howabout a turbo-encabulator
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...80462773187994#
at the end of this clip , after telling a few jokes , mostly American specific ones Obama says "all of the jokes tonight have been brought to you by Goldman Sachs - they make money whether you laugh or not"
heh
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8656668.stm
Well I never
A 16-year-old youth has appeared in court charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a donkey in Sumner yesterday.............The member of public lived in a house above the field and took photos while phoning police...................
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/christchur...ectid=10637316
Size matters - so they say. Another rivalry issue perhaps - actually New Zealand is around 1/28th the size of Australia, whereas on this postcard Australia is portrayed as being around a quarter of the size of NZ
Well - looks like National are winning with their goal of catching Australia quicker than they expected. Just the other day we were only one/twenty-eighth the size of Australia.
http://www.worldatlas.com/aatlas/pop...ns/ctypopa.htm
.......I was never that good a geography :ohmy: - original corrected
My confusion after a quick glance at Wikipedia which stated...............
New Zealand is part of Zealandia, a microcontinent nearly half the size of Australia that gradually submerged after breaking away from the Gondwanan supercontinent.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Zealand
A picture speaks a thousand words
http://i40.tinypic.com/2wfqp1f.jpg
reminds me of the two old Etonians who meet up at their club in Pall Mall.
One says to the other;"I say did you hear about Ponsonby? Poor chap was hadup in India for having sexual intercourse with an elephant'.
"My God! Male or female?"
"Female of course,Ponsonby's no queer!"
Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $9.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
>
>
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Guess What This Is? And don't cheat!! (try and not look below the hint);)
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...56computer.jpg
Hint: picture was taken in 1956...
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Answer
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It's a hard disk drive back in 1956... with 5 MB of storage.
In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first 'SUPER' computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a 'whopping' 5 MB :eek2: of data.
Do you appreciate your 8 GB memory stick now, or a 3GS iPhone with 32 GB of memory?
An example of a technological singularity event ?? I would doubt if those guys could ever perceive that 55 years in their future many passengers would be boarding onto planes with laptops in their hand-luggage x200,000 more powerful than that machine they were struggling with to put on that plane.
its getting so bad in spain that this year there having the running of the bears
A touch of Irony
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...1/BPironry.jpg
Only in America?
http://s133702574.onlinehome.us/pict...pushingkid.jpg
What do you call an Arab with a piece of bacon on his head?
Hamed
And with 2 pieces of bacon?
Mohamed
And with a vibrator in his back pocket.
Sheik Mohamed.
Too racist?
What do you call a Scotsman in a raincoat?
Mac
2 Scotsmen in raincoats?
Max
2 Scotsmen in raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves.
Please help ban fox hunting in Great Britain ~
THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
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http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...FoxHunting.jpg
Signed,
Peter Cottontail
Bugs Bunny
The Easter Bunny
Thumper
A screen grab from this mornings Waikato Times front page website...
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/q...nnypicture.png
Q: Who was the best financier in the Bible?
A: Noah...He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation
Keep them coming Hoop! ;-)
You forgot to mention that Noah took them in two by two so I'm sure their was some offspring, so a growth stock to!
Bi product of fertilizer, carbon emissions (animal farts) captured & used for propulsion & heating !
I could go on... But I'll leave the funny stuff to you!
Article from from Gurufocus 22 Nov 2016
A collection of jokes the Oracle (Warren Buffett) used in his letters to shareholders
- "Billy Rose described the problem of over-diversification: 'If you have a harem of forty women, you never get to know any of them very well.'” - 1984
- "Agatha Christie, whose husband was an archaeologist, said that was the perfect profession for one's spouse: 'The older you become, the more interested they are in you.'" - 1987
- "After ending our corporate marriage to Hochschild Kohn, I had memories like those of the husband in the country song, 'My Wife Ran Away With My Best Friend and I Still Miss Him a Lot.'" - 1989
- "When such a CEO is encouraged by his advisors to make deals, he responds much as would a teenage boy who is encouraged by his father to have a normal sex life. It's not a push he needs." - 1994
- "The real advantage of being bisexual is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - 1995
- "Though Enron has become the symbol for shareholder abuse, there is no shortage of egregious conduct elsewhere in corporate America. One story I’ve heard illustrates the all-too-common attitude of managers toward owners: A gorgeous woman slinks up to a CEO at a party and through moist lips purrs, 'I’ll do anything anything you want. Just tell me what you would like.' With no hesitation, he replies, 'Reprice my options.'" - 2001
- "This means that directors must get rid of a manager who is mediocre or worse, no matter how likable he may be. Directors must react as did the chorus-girl bride of an 85-year old multimillionaire when he asked whether she would love him if he lost his money. 'Of course,' the young beauty replied, 'I would miss you, but I would still love you.'” - 2002
- "… In this ambition, we hope – metaphorically – to avoid the fate of the elderly couple who had been romantically challenged for some time. As they finished dinner on their 50th anniversary, however, the wife – stimulated by soft music, wine and candlelight – felt a long-absent tickle and demurely suggested to her husband that they go upstairs and make love. He agonized for a moment and then replied, 'I can do one or the other, but not both.'" – 2005
- "The best anecdote I’ve heard during the current presidential campaign came from Mitt Romney, who asked his wife, Ann, 'When we were young, did you ever in your wildest dreams think I might be president?' To which she replied, 'Honey, you weren’t in my wildest dreams.'” – 2007
- "A line from Bobby Bare’s country song explains what too often happens with acquisitions: 'I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve sure woke up with a few.'” - 2007
- "Long ago, Charlie laid out his strongest ambition: 'All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.'” – 2009
- "An old Wall Street joke gets close to our experience:
- Customer: Thanks for putting me in XYZ stock at 5. I hear it’s up to 18.
Broker: Yes, and that’s just the beginning. In fact, the company is doing so well now, that it’s an even better buy at 18 than it was when you made your purchase.
Customer: Damn, I knew I should have waited." - 2009
- "Our exemplar is the older man who crashed his grocery cart into that of a much younger fellow while both were shopping. The elderly man explained apologetically that he had lost track of his wife and was preoccupied searching for her. His new acquaintance said that by coincidence his wife had also wandered off and suggested that it might be more efficient if they jointly looked for the two women. Agreeing, the older man asked his new companion what his wife looked like. 'She’s a gorgeous blonde,' the fellow answered, 'with a body that would cause a bishop to go through a stained glass window, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. How about yours?' The senior citizen wasted no words: 'Forget her, we’ll look for yours.'” - 2006
- "You may recall a 2003 Silicon Valley bumper sticker that implored, 'Please, God, Just One More Bubble.' Unfortunately, this wish was promptly granted, as just about all Americans came to believe that house prices would forever rise." -2007
- "As one investor said in 2009: 'This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth – and I still have my wife.'” – 2010
- "Indeed, a good underwriter needs an independent mindset akin to that of the senior citizen who received a call from his wife while driving home. 'Albert, be careful,' she warned, 'I just heard on the radio that there’s a car going the wrong way down the Interstate.' 'Mabel, they don’t know the half of it,' replied Albert, 'It’s not just one car, there are hundreds of them.'" – 2011
- "Remember the late Barton Biggs’ observation: 'A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends.'” – 2013
"Nobody does it bedder,
Makes me feel sad for the rest,
Nobody lies, half as good as you,
Oh Cindy, you're the best
The country wasn't lookin', but somehow you found us,
We tried to hide from your socialist light,
But like Winston above you,
The crook who used you,
Oh Cindy your'e the best........"